Despite, or maybe because, feeling happy and excited about Christmas, memories creep into my head which stop me in my tracks. Thoughts of my mother who should be here, but is not, pop up more regularly and it is as if I only just realizsed that she will never be here again, that she will never experience the joy of her grand-sons, that she will never feel the sun in her beloved garden again and … that she is so finitely dead. And when, during the festivities, sadness hits at most unexpected moments, it brings with it intense griefand renewed awareness that the world will never be the same without her, that her absence changed our lives forever. And even after 11 Christmasses withouth the usual festive candlelit dinner at Christmas EveI still wake up on the 24.December incredulous that she won’t celebrate with us.
But I also remember her positive vibrancy and her wisdom and then somehow I feel better and stronger. Her memory gives me inspiration and each year I want to make Christmas a happy and lovely time just like she always did for me.